Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
