there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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