I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
where am i from again
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
