Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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