I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
