So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
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This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This baby is an asshole
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize