So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
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He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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