So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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