i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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