So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
