Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
