I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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