i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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