there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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