She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
