I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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