its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
wakey wakey hands off snakey
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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