dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
