So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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