I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
