I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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