i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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