so explain again why im purple
no
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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