Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
