i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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