he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
