hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
