he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
