dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
