Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
