i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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