I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
