I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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