why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
