god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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