I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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