I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
