I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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