I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
