I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
