i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
