I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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