so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
