I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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