i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.