I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND