Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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