Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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