i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
