hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
