Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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