Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
