if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I smell like Dick and happiness
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
