bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
