So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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