To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
